Are You Anxious About a Big Life Change?
Episode 1 - Journey to Confidence
We’re scared but we’re MAKING the journey anyway.
A friend of mine and I have currently found ourselves in the middle of a big transition.
My twenty-year corporate speaking and presentation career disappeared in the early spring of 2020 when face-to-face meetings came to an abrupt halt.
At the same time my friend, a well-respected and talented therapist, Dr. John Souza, lost his position at a recently shuttered residential health care institute.
Both of these changes have arrived on the heels of the pandemic of course.
This is the tale of two professionals who are in the middle of having to decide how to make a living into the future. A very unknown future.
John and I are aware that countless others are facing unusual challenges as well, many of them much more severe than our own.
Nevertheless, there’s a big pile of American-Dream refugees right now who are currently adrift in the same low-riding boat, out on a sea of employment chaos looking for solid ground.
Okay, maybe you’re not the analogy type, so to put it more simply…a bunch of us are feeling scared and screwed at the moment.
The big question we all face is this:
How do we best navigate these huge unknowns and big changes in our lives?
Whether you’re out of work, out of money, having to move from one place to another, leaving or starting a relationship, facing stress or mental health challenges you’ve never had to deal with before, taking up the slack for 2 or 3 other people who no longer work alongside you, housing struggling relatives, trying to homeschool your kids and work at the same time, or consulting to other businesses professionally in a time when you don’t know what advice to give…you’re in the same position as we are.
You’re guessing, hoping, praying and trying to stay calm, cool and collected as you consider what to do next.
HOW DO YOU IMPROVE THE ODDS OF YOUR CHANGE GAMBLE?
As it turns out, both John and I have decided to gamble on something new career-wise. You might also be deciding on a career-pivot, or you might find that life has pivoted you without your express consent in one of the ways described above.
Either way, as John and I talked about our situation together a few things came to light that we believe improve the odds of making a successful transition from one thing to another.
You can watch the full-length video above if you’ve run out of Netflix options, or you can read on below where I condense and translate the highlights of our conversation for those who want their take-aways as quickly as possible.
Practices for Week 1 in Journey to Confidence
Plan to Take Breaks in the Midst of Your Mission
John talked about both the fear and the excitement that is arising for him as he considers going back to playing professional music. He’s made a living as a live musician before, spent the last 15 years as a therapist, and is now exploring a digital musical career.
He observed a kind of mania set in while preparing some of his first public music offerings online and commented on how useful it was to take a break, prepare food for his family, exercise, and generally step back from being mono-focused on the challenges of his new endeavor.
John noted how in a transition we’re very self-focused. Questions like “Who am I now?” “How do I want to be seen?” even “What online name do I want to use?” bring an anxiety along with them. After all, being someone different might not work! That anxiety can put us in a kind of oblivious over-drive.
If you feel as though you have to figure-everything-out-right-now and get-through-your-big-change-fast then you are more likely heading toward a wall than a finish line.
John said he could feel a reduction in his empathy in that self-absorbed state. Focusing on someone other than himself by attending to his family connections really helped.
Take-away: Keep the small basics of self-care and other-care in your attention in a time of transition.
Make Sure Information Gathering Is Balanced by Action
I spoke about my perfectionism habits and the amount of training and knowledge I’ve accumulated for transitioning to an online business. The information that I’ve amassed (and want to just keep collecting) doesn't do much good if I’m not putting it into practice.
I mentioned a recent podcast I’d heard with Rich Roll interviewing neuroscientist Andrew Huberman. The interview is a few hours long, (well worth it if you geek out on that stuff) but I’ll give you the golden nugget from the researcher’s mouth.
“Behavior comes first.”
The changes you’re looking for in the way you think and feel are going to come after you put yourself in motion, not before. Again, that’s according to the research. But my personal experience has already shown me this is the case. I went through the same hesitation, doubt and trepidation when I entered the professional speaking market. I researched the industry deeply, but nothing changed until I got on the phone and started to put myself out there as a speaker.
Take-away: Review the to-do list you have that is related to your new career, new move or new venture. Separate the information gathering and preparing tasks from the tasks that involve getting your body in motion and make sure you’re equally attending to both.
Ask What Parts of Yourself Are Important Now
Forced change can be a double-edged sword.
On one hand it gives us the necessity to review our lives and it can be easier to reinvent ourselves, or at least re-fashion some habits, in the midst of large-scale change.
On the other hand, we can find ourselves jumping toward solutions, jobs, relationships, or arrangements that might not be the best thing for us in the long run.
Whatever change is presenting itself to you, consider asking yourself these questions before you attempt to make a big transition.
· Is there a part of myself I am ready to leave behind and not carry forward into a new life phase?
· Is there a part of myself I need to make sure I bring along and not allow to get lost in the urgency to move on?
· Is there a part of myself I disavowed long ago and want to consciously re-invite into my life now in this time of change?
John spoke of reclaiming music in his life, or even more accurately said, reclaiming the musician inside of him. Identifying important parts of ourselves using the right language is key to honoring them and reclaiming them. Each individual is composed of many parts, and like a family, when one member of our inner-character tribe is disavowed the entire family unit suffers.
What are your essential parts? Can you bring them all along with you now? Even if you decide that you can’t—or that they can come along but must remain silent partners inside—just be clear that this part of you exists and have an intentional plan about how you’re going to honor, acknowledge or care for that skill, talent, virtue, eccentricity, or passion that you possess.
During our conversation I talked about my desire to become an online digital entrepreneur, when in actuality the part I want to fully embrace is a writer. The moment I admitted that what I really want is to make a living as a writer (whether online or off) I felt a confirming rush of both excitement and fear. The energy we tap into when we name it (the part of yourselves we need to acknowledge or reclaim) is the energy we need for success with our big change.
Who needs to be by your side now in your time of transition? Your warrior, your magician, your genius, your lover, your shrewd negotiator, your artist, your wise soul, your frugal saver, your rainmaker?
The challenge is to bear the vulnerability that reclaiming such parts produces in us. As John observed, the fear that arises when we reclaim ourselves is in direct proportion to how much we care.
Take-away: Reclaim any parts of yourself you’ve disavowed and invite them to come along in whatever capacity you decide is appropriate.
When John and I spoke about sharing our conversation and this pivot project with others I suggested the name, “Journey to Confidence: Master What Scares You.” John commented after we posted the video…
The ONLY thing I would want us to reconsider is the "master" in Master What Scares You. It is a word that speaks to a western, cartesian, dualistic, etc. view of the world in which we (as humans) are not part of nature, but rather are above it/separate from it.
I'm not sure about a good alternative, but it would probably connote a sense of working with, learning from, and/or reconnecting with fear (or that which drives it).
I can certainly see John’s point, but is there a better alternative? We’d love to hear from you—do you have any idea for a subtitle to replace, Master What Scares You? or do you like it as it is?
Let us know in the comments, along with any other thoughts you have about the journey to confidence most of us need to make right now.